August 15, 2007

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

Thanks Tink!

Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
Experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she
replied. "I've been divorced three times."
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring
the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing
a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that
happened more often?
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young
man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
Minutes." They were seated immediately.
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate
to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
Aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her
father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene
commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant
of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like
them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I
die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." But I thought you hated Bob," she
said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man
Replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,
"How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me . What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let
me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week
Later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke
To her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes
and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison"

Posted by vw bug at August 15, 2007 06:02 AM | TrackBack

.... bhwhahahah.... the last one is excellent!...

Posted by: Eric at August 16, 2007 12:12 PM

These are too funny. I think I might steal of few. Hope you don't mind!

Posted by: Linette at August 19, 2007 03:49 PM