September 19, 2007

Humor for Dreaded Wednesday

This fits the way I feel right now... and it is an oldie but goodie...

Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was very upset over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan & let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their wicked forsaken terrain.


The Mature Women of the United States

Posted by vw bug at September 19, 2007 06:54 AM | TrackBack

I was talking [okay, listening] to my hubby on the cell when I read about 'Mildred' and nearly fell off my chair laughing... so of course I had to read it to him... LOL!

Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their wicked forsaken terrain.
ROFLMAO!!!!!!! This one is a classic!!

Posted by: pam at September 19, 2007 08:19 AM

I'm with Pam. That last one is frickin' classic. I couldn't quit laughing. I've got some serious "don't F^&% with me" attitude as of late. They need to send me overseas. I could strike some serious fear into the hearts of all men types over there. Just ask those who live with me. Heh. Wish I could blame it on hormones though... Gah.

Posted by: Bou at September 19, 2007 08:46 AM

Note to self: Stay away from VW Bug for a few days...just until "that time" passes... ;)

Posted by: Ogre at September 19, 2007 08:52 AM

Poor Mildred!

I think you've got a great idea here for the Taliban. You build a powerful, logical argument. Go for it!

Posted by: Bob Agard at September 21, 2007 06:01 PM