One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of under shorts out of his drawer.
'What the heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my under shorts?'
She replied with a snicker...
'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.'
Found this at Lollygaggin...
Seems tutoring algebra just isn't the way I should go! I knew I was worth a lot, but wow... and I wonder what put me in the high bracket... I bet it was because I thought I was sexy. GRIN
Powered By Adult Toy Shop
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.
She also had her seven-year- old son with her.
Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
While I don't think this picture should cause any problems, I still put it below the fold just in case. Enjoy the humor!!!
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
Guts versus Balls
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
= = =
And getting ready for Easter fun...
Ok, I just couldn't resist...
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
Yaa, you can guess what kind of Humor this is going to be today:
"I dread Monday," my wife said.from Humor Boy"Why's that?" I asked, removing the cap from the mouthwash.
"Dental appointment, my dentist always stares at my chest."
"Take the wind-up teeth out of your cleavage."
= = = = =
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
= = = =
Q: What does the dentist of the year get?
A.: A little plaque.
~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a dentist and a New York Yankee fan?
A: One yanks for the roots and the other roots for the Yanks.
= = = =
Off the Charts has some great comics.
= = = =
The Glasbergen comics are pretty funny as well. Go to THIS LINK and scroll down to dental.
I opened one of the playdoh containers to find:
I have never seen that before and I hope to never see it again. I can't imagine what was in it to cause that to happen. Ugh.
What's your Pokéname? Try it HERE.
And something Not Pokemon related but very funny... check out THIS LINK.
Oh... both boys are into playing with the pokemon cards. Not collecting... playing the game. Sigh.
Girls:
* You dress up as Misty,Jenny,or Joy for dances
* You collect the cards
* You have TONS of Pokemon toys
* You record every Pokemon episode in the series
* When you watch fireworks,you think of Team Rocket blasting off
* You make clay into Pokeballs
* You paint a pink ball and make it a Jigglypuff
Boys:
* You have all versions of the Game boy Pokemon games
* You dress up as Ash
* You make badges for your shirt
* You name all your pets pokemon names
* You eat rice balls as a snack
* Every leek reminds you of Farfetche'd
This is work safe as long as you are allowed to see beer ads.
You won't believe this, it is amazing!!!!
1. GO to the following Site: http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
2. TYPE any FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE.
3. TYPE any LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE.
(Skip other 2 lines.)
4. Click on vizualizar button and watch what happens.
My internet is alive again. Thanks Tink for helping out. Here is your humor for today:
I'm sure you've seem "Maxine" and read her poignant witticisms. Well, meet Max!
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Mrs. Bug asked me to take a moment and post some dreaded Wednesday humor. Only thing is I don't have a funny bone in my body. Really I don't. So what can I do....
Actually the problem stems from the fact that bug cannot access the internet due to fluctuating power outages in south Florida. Not to make light of the fact that some 3 million people are without power in Miami-Dade (Hi Amanda, hope you and the family aren't affected to badly by this), but it can make for some interesting commentaries like "the reactors safely shut down" or "the reactors were safely shut down." Come on kids, which is it. Guess I will have to give Nuke a call tonight to see what he knows.
In the meantime, lets have some
elevator fun. You are stuck in an elevator, scrunched in the corner and you spy your prey. So you start staring (that's what I would do anyway). And stare and stare. You know it won't be long before they are wanting to tear your throat out and come down on you with a vorious "WHAT". Now the fun begins.
1. Did you know one half of your hair is lighter than the other?
2. Have you ever noticed your buttons don't match?
3. Did you use a different shoe polish on each of your shoes or did they come that way? And my all time favorite...
4. I think you really could be a duplicate image of yourself.
So what you do if you were stuck on an elevator.
Because I couldn't resist... I suggest you have the inside of your monitor cleaned by clicking THIS LINK.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "
Thanks for the humor Sticks...
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
Fart humor, you are now warned...
"You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because I just farted."
Single women can't fart.... they don't have an .sshole until they're married!
You can go TO THIS SITE to get a bank that says "drop some loot and hear me toot"...
Feeling in the mood to be rude? Go HERE and create a Fart to email to friends.
Confucious Say... "Man who fart in church...Sit in own pew."
And you might as well print your own fart license...
Now if I could just bottle Happy's farts, I'd make a million...
Click on "More Pawprints" to get a list of other names for farts.
after dinner mint
air attack
air biscuit
Arkansas barking spiders
backblast
backdoor trumpet
back draft
back end blow out
bean bombers
bean fumes
bottom burp
botty burp
botty cough
burp that went astray
burp that comes out the wrong end
butt burps
butt cheek squeak
butt moose
butt mutt
Butt trumpet
cushion creepers
davebrok
drive by
Dutch oven
essence of Emeril
excreted gas
explosion between the cheeks
fanny beep
fanny bubble
fanny halitosis
fire in the hole
gas
gasser
gastronomical reprocussion
General Colon Bowel barking commands
Jersey torch
Room clearer
the scented scream
silent but deadly
silent but violent
silent depth charge
smelly jelly
smell-o-rama
sphincter whistle
sphincturbulence
stale wind
stench of death
stink
stinker
talking pants
tear arse
tear ass
terminal flatulence
terminal velocity flatulence
three tone fart
thunder below
thunder in the buns
tooters
toot-toots
triple flutter blaster
triple thunder flutter
trouser cough
trouser trumpet
tushie belches
underpants lion
Under-thunder
voice of the toothless one
wet fart
wet one
whallop
whootzie
wind
wind breakage
windy pops
Oldie but goodie and deserves to be laughed at again at this time!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have
orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and
one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine
on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is
a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are
having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity"
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I don't
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning.....Today you voted"
New Mathematical Equivalencies
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 micro Scope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet of silver in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbird
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1000 kilograms of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
For parents:
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS.
I was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this”, and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, “What's wrong, honey?”
She replied, “What happened to my booger?”
====================
New take on an old joke...
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
Two atoms walk out of a bar. "Oh dear, I've left my electrons back in the bar." "Are you sure?" "I'm positive."
A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a beer?" "For you? No charge."
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Hey you, get outta here! We don't want your type in here."
A jumper-cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Oldie but goodie:
Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?
-- because seven ate nine.
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
Saw THIS POST at Lemon Stand and it just struck me as very funny... and every time I think about it... I still smile.
Been busy the last couple of days, we are cleaning out my garage... not much to post about but that it sucks. Oh, and AmVets loves me. I gave them a ton of really nice stuff.
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a party. After an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'" With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?"
She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."
Twas the Month after Christmas
The following was shared by surfer Cathy W.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Since Election time is in full swing... how about some dumb laws? Pan sent me THIS LINK... here is what you can read at the end of the article:
The ridiculousAn assortment of seemingly crazy state driving laws exists and can be found easily across the Internet. Most of these examples are sourced from newspapers and come from the site www.dumblaws.com, whose editors did not respond to a call for comment. Here goes:
In California, no vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
In Florida, if an elephant, goat or alligator is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
In Montana, it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
In Oregon, a door on a car may not be left open longer than necessary.
In Tennessee, it is illegal shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.
Yep, I live in Florida...
Ok folks... I finally got 5 hours sleep last night. Before that Tot was having asthma problems (which are always worse at night)... and Happy dog decided that barking at 2am was fun. None of which helped me with sleeping more than 2 hours at a shot. Why am I telling you this? Because my sense of humor is ... just awful when I have had no sleep. I'm posting some humor that is NSFW (Not safe for work) in the More Pawprints. Very funny to me at this moment and thought I would share. And something safe for work... visit this Old Fart and read his predictions for the new year... Not sure if my favorite is that there will be 29 days in February or that two teams will play each other in the NFL. LOL! Ok Ok... so he is going to get me for calling him old... Part of the fun... enjoy the below the pawprints humor!
And hopefully in a day or two, I'll be up to commenting versus just lurking and reading. Thanks to everyone that has stopped by... i know it has been hard to comment lately. Happy New Year and thank you.
There are a couple more with nude body parts... email me if you want me to send them to you.
Pan sent me some humor... in return for a horrible pun I sent him. I figured what better way to start the year? Humor!!!
Q: What do you call Mother Teresa now that she's in Heaven?
A: Nun of the above.
Q: What do you call a cow spying on another one?
A: A steak out.
There are two apples lying in a crate.
The first one says, "Man, my head hurts!"
The second one screams "EEK! A talking apple!"
Two cows are discussing artificial insemination.
Daisy tells Betsy that she's had it done.
"Really?" says Betsy. "I don't believe you!"
"It's true!" replies Daisy. "No bull!"
'Twas A Florida Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.
To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.
The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.
And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn't a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.
The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house....stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.
He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up Highway 436 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!"
And here are some more (continued from last week):
What do elves learn in school?
[The Elf-abet!]
What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
[It was already wound up.]
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
[Its true, Comet cleans sinks!]
Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?
[No, you can have turkey like everyone else.]
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
[Sandy Claws!]
What kind of bird can write?
[A PENguin.]
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
[The turkey, he is always stuffed.]
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
[Claustrophobic.]
Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Prisoner: "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
Judge: "That's not an offense. How early were you doing this shopping?"
Prisoner: "Before the store opened."
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ?
[Santa Clues!]
What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
[Jungle bells, jungle bells...]
What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
[Pour Santa flush on him.]
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
[Snowflakes.]
What's the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
[Your teeth.]
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
[Because it has long-distance runners on each side.]
What are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
[They both drop their needles.]
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
[because every buck is dear to him.]
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
[Crisp Cringle.]
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Avery
Avery who ?
Avery merry Christmas !
Here's a start ...
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree?
[A pineapple.]
What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?
[Freeze a jolly good fellow...]
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
[It's Christmas, Eve!]
What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
[We'll have a boo Christmas without you.]
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
[Missletoe!]
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
[A subordinate claus.]
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
[The letter "D"!]
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
[So he can ho-ho-ho.]
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
[Frostbite.]
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Holly
Holly who ?
Holly-days are here again !
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
[Ribbon hood.]
One Christmas I got a battery with a note saying, "Toy not included."
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.
Doctor: Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.
Patient: Doctor, I'm scared of Father Christmas.
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Merry Christmas.
Q: How do cats greet each other at Christmas?
A: Have a furry merry Christmas and a Happy Mew Year.
Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: A merry Christmas to Ewe.
For Pamibe (and other dog lovers):
A Puppy's Twelve Days of Christmas
by Elise Lewis 1997
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses And I forgot about the other eleven days.
These have been around for ages... but I still love them!
You Think English is Easy???
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP .
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
We could go on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so... Time to shut Oh... one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P !
On the way to the work this morning, I rear-ended a car. I knew it was going to be a bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf.
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
And, your honor, that's how the fight started...
Tink sent me this and I was laughing thinking about my boys and this situation...
Gold, Common Sense and Fur
My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby.
I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide.
God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son.
The next year God blessed us with another son.
The following year, He blessed us with yet another son.
The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.
My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty. We no w had four children, and the oldest was only four years old.
I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, 'If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella.
I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs.
I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him.
I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.
I tried to be understanding... when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.
When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.
In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother - I didn't even come close... I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God.
I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to 'wash up' Jesus, too.
Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his 'last wife.'
My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant.
My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.
My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, 'We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes.'
But he was nervous and said, 'The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes.'
My four-year-old 'Mary' said, 'That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes.'
A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.
I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, 'Mama-mama.'
Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.
My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, 'We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur.'
The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation.
'I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as t his one,' laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes.
'For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur.'
'My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing,' I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.
Tink sent me these:
When Insults Had Class...
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
... followed by Churchill's response to Shaw:
"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
Found HERE:
Stuffed Turkey
Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen,
watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bruno said.
"Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
= = = = =
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
= = = = =
And from HERE.
# What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
# If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
# Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.
# If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE
# Why can't you take a turkey to church? Because they use such FOWL language
# What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called? Turkey feathers
# What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
# Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes - a building can't jump at all
# What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving
Very Thankful this is NOT my family. I couldn't help but laugh when I read it!
Print and give copy to each guest that enters your home
10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.
2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your butt down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little butts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will tear their butts up and you better not ask why!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be asked to stay your greedy butt home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding. And why are you making plates before you eat? You never bring a dish or offer a dime do you?
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and go home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!
Horrible Puns... some gotten from BadPuns.com
# A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
# I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
# I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
# A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
# Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
#My friend Max hates going up steep hills.
He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.
# # # #
A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.
One day In was out, so she aked Out,"Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."
"What?" said Out.
"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."
So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"
(here it comes....)
"In stinkt."
# # # #
and finally:
An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.
When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.
"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.
Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.
He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......
"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
A friend sent me an email that was a post. I did some research and found where it originated. For your enjoyment... I was laughing so hard when I read it, but you must remember I was a teenager back then...
and I'm tired... I can't find the other stuff... later folks...
This was in the News yesterday. A Woman that lives in Galesburg was weed-eating her lawn. She accidentally cut off the tail of her favorite Cat.
She rushed her Cat along with the tail over to the new Super Wal-Mart!
You might ask, why Wal-Mart ?
Wal-Mart is the largest Retailer in town !!!
Don't shoot the messenger please....
This has been around a few times but I just can't help but smile when I see some of these:
This is what sad looks like...
This is what sorry looks like...
This is a Pile Up!
This is going to hurt!
Let me Explain!
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.
The British submitted a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The French submitted a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."
The Germans submitted 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submitted an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submitted a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submitted a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant" and a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
Some of these will have to be seen if you click 'more pawprints'... because they are not work safe...
Sticks sent me this and I thought it appropriate as I walked outside last night at 7:30pm and at weather dot com it said that it was 87F and felt like 92F... I got attacked by mosquitoes as well. Definitely the South...
Yankee's Diary Review: Moving South
May 30 :
Just moved to Mobile, Alabama from Syracuse , NY . Now, this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14 :
Really heating up. Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain! No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Mobile
July 10:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.
July 15:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20:
Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz, and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order the parts.
July 30:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
August 4:
It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a cost of $900. The temperature gets down to 78 degrees, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95 degrees. I hate this stupid city.
August 8:
If another wise ass person cracks, "Hot enough for you today? I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!
August 9:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
August 10:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two damn months, and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool. Not even cactus can live in this damn heat.
August 14:
Welcome to HELL!!!
The temperature got to 105 degrees today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking South. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
Not sure if I really think this is funny or not:
A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26911 words
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be American, DOESN'T IT?
This is NSFW!!!
A toy that I never want in my household... follow THIS LINK... my B-I-L sent it to me. ARGHHHHHHHH
This fits the way I feel right now... and it is an oldie but goodie...
MILDRED
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was very upset over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
FIGHTING TERROR
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan & let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.
We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.
Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their wicked forsaken terrain.
Sincerely,
The Mature Women of the United States
Just for Bou, I looked around for breast humor.
I found this breast ogle game... I tried a couple of times and finally won once...
= = =
There is a lot of breast feeding humor and lots of conferences given by cancer survivors that say humor helps... but honest good funny breast humor... very lacking. ar ar ar... It's late, I'm tired. Please send your prayers and good thoughts over to Bou. While she is handling it well, it never hurts to have a good prayer or thought sent the way of someone dealing with a lump found in the breast.
I have to laugh. I totally forgot about Richmond's daughter the other day and the post she did on her 'daily planner'. It was frick'n hilarious. Go HERE to read it.
Yep, I can see something like that happening at our house. Luckily it will be further into the future. Phew.
mu.nu was down while I was awake last night. Here is some last minute humor that just hit me as funny this morning...
A Somali arrives in California as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work."
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't." "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
Seems that mu.nu and I didn't mix last night. Hence, I'm sending my attack dog over to get the ones that brought down mu.nu...
What? You don't think this ferocious dog will scare them? Naa... me neither... all he wants is a belly rub. Sigh.
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep--A Tired Mother's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean...
(Well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know...
I must have lost them long ago!
My BIL sent me THIS SITE for my dog... I was LMAO when I saw it...
= = =
Sleep Is Better Than S.x Because...
1. You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.
2. No one will start rumours about how much you sleep.
3. You won't complain in the morning about not getting any.
4. You don't have to pay for sleep.
5. You don't need to sleep after sleeping.
6. Sleep can last a good eight hours. (or even more)
7. You can sleep in church.
8. While sleeping, you can have sex with anyone you want.
9. Your teddy bear never complains.
And of course....
10. It's legal to sleep in any position whichever country you live in.
If you don't read Technicalities, you might have missed THIS POST. It takes you to an ebay entry that had me laughing so hard my dog looked up at me.
Some days I just need to be punny...
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer for me please, and one for the road."
6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"
7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
12. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . And pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
15. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
16. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
18. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
19. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
20. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
21. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
22. A group of Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the monastery to close down, but they would not. They were doing great business & tax free! He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest vicious thug in town. He trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
23. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
24. There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
25. Two cannibals are eating a clown.One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?
Oldie but goodie that my mom sent me:
Cussing 101
A 6 year old and a 4 year old were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's time we started cussing" The 4 year old nods with approval. The 6 year old continues. "When we go Downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say something with "H.ll", and you say something with "A.s". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their Mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for Breakfast, he replies: "Aw, H.ll, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios". Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his Mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out". She than goes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your sweet a.s it won't be Cheerios.......
Since it is time for school to start here in Florida, here are some back to school jokes... from around the 'net...
From Mrs. Who... go to THIS POST. They are hilarious.
A lesson about blood flow and circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
= = = =
Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says "Get that gum out of your mouth", where as the train says "Chew, Chew ".
= = = =
I failed every subject except for algebra.
How did you keep from failing that ?
I didn't take algebra !
Teacher: Are you good at math ?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math !
Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please ?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy !
Teacher: Did you parents help you with these homework problems ?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself !
Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten !
Go visit THIS POST to have a great laugh about the first day of school. My mom was tame compared to that... I wonder what I'll be like?
UPDATE: Seems like there is a lot of good humor posted in the blog-o-sphere this morning...
Thanks Tink!
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
Experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she
replied. "I've been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring
the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing
a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that
happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young
man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
Minutes." They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate
to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
Aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her
father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene
commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant
of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like
them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I
die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." But I thought you hated Bob," she
said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man
Replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,
"How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me . What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let
me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week
Later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke
To her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes
and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison"
The 2007 version of I WILL SURVIVE
SING IT GIRLS!!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I
grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My s.x life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good s.x,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your
little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell! with all your needs, Now I'm
saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My s.x life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good s.x,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
Ok, I had to laugh... the subject line in the email I got for this was: "Once again, discrimination raises its ugly head"
= = =
And this one shows exactly how I feel right now:
Tired and need stupid humor to help me remember that I can deal with stupid tech support... Found it HERE...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!
Q: Why did the monster cross the road?
A: To eat the chicken!
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off!
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer!
Q: If a rooster lays an egg on the middle of a slanted roof, on which side will it fall?
A: Neither side. Roosters don't lay eggs!
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Moral: Don't mess with old people!!
STOCK TIPS
Investment tips for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2007-8.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will me rge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychi ld.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally ....
9. Victoria 'S Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
Seems there was a VW Bug convention and I wasn't told!
Which one would best suit me??? Picture 3? Picture 8? Picture 9? Picture 13?
Anyone that knew me in college would remember my Honda CRX... it had a sound system that was able to move the car... This bug reminded me of it.
Next time, I need to attend!!! ;-)
My sense of humor is a little odd. I found this particularly funny this morning...
Found THIS over at Contagion's place. I am going to have to give this a try next time we have a party!!! Very very cool!
technorati: humor
Oldies but Goodies:
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.
10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
11. When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
12. Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
13. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
14. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
15. Man says to God:; "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
I think Bubba is Blonde!
A doctor in Kentucky wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant, "Bubba, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Bubba.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Bubba, how was your day?"
Bubba tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Bubba! and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Bubba.
"Bravo, bravo Bubba! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: "HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"
"And what did you do Bubba?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes."
Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." Anthony responded
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony
============= ===============
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama, which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama.
Stolen Copied from Fourth of July Humor:
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
What's red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the steps!
Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!
What was General Washington's favourite tree?
The infantry!
Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!
What would you get if you crossed Washington's home with nasty insects?
Mt. Vermin!
What did a patriot put on his dry skin?
Revo-lotion!
My Resume
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center , but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work! I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
There is great humor all over the place:
Physics Geek has a great picture of Gas prices
Pamibe found a cool link. I watched it twice.
Believe it or not... there is a web called "I Fart, She Farts, He Farted..."
And some oldie but goodie... thinking about my sons...
There was a boy who had to use an outhouse and he hated it sooo bad. One day it started to rain really hard and it got the bank all slippery and wet so he decided to push it off. He did it and later that night his father asked him if he pushed off the outhouse.
He said: "Yes."
His father told his son to come with him to get his whipping.
The boy said: "George Washington didn't get in trouble when he chopped down the cherry tree because he was honest."
The boys father said: "but George Washingtons father wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
H U R R I C A N E
S U R V I V A L Q U I Z---------------------------------------------
1. How are hurricane's names selected?
a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book
d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them
2. What do they call the most severe hurricane?
a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
c. Costly
d. HOLY CRAP
3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the Northwest
African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling West at 16 MPH and
hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH leaves Key West at 24 MPH on
Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would they meet?
a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a blowhard
like Guido
c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop and ask
directions; she'll probably end up in Rio
d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West
4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see a
hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing that enters your mind?
a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way!
b. This is the last time I fly no-frills
c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now!
d. I gotta change my shorts!
e. The windshield
5. A hurricane is dangerous if...
a. you get in it's way
b. it's had a REALLY bad day
c. you try to stop it to ask directions
d. you do not yield right of way
6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?
a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
b. They have REALLY good binoculars
c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings
7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?
a. Sell it - QUICK
b. Bury it and dig it up later
c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush
d. Two words -- Duct tape
8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed to
be heading in your direction?
a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
b. Air drop a roadmap, of another area, into the eye
c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building
9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?
a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off
b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance
d. Go on a picnic, to the beach
10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home?
a. When the water level reaches the roof
b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls
11. Where should you evacuate?
a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods
b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or one of Florida's
many mountain tops
c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
d. Out to sea on a small craft
12. Why should you NOT stay close to the beach?
a. All the best spots are probably taken
b. Track in too much sand
c. Cooler keeps blownin' away
d. Hard to stay put under the 50' waves
13. If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not...
a. stare; it's impolite
b. make direct eye contact
c. offer it some Visine
d. ask if it's seen Dorthy and Toto
14. What happens after the eye passes?
a. Stay very still; maybe it didn't see you
b. It can't see you any more
c. You can expect a large nose, followed by the mouth, etc.
d. It winks and waves good-bye
15. What should you do first after a hurricane passes?
a. Locate your computer
b. Determine if your computer is operational
c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer
d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to your
computer
16. Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane?
a. Local government (also blown away)
b. State government (can't afford to help)
c. Federal government (doesn't care)
d. Foreign governments (the Japanese are looking for investments)
17. What services should you expect to be without, after a hurricane?
a. Electricity (no cold beer)
b. Telephone (no modem)
c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!)
d. Callgirls (prey the rebuilding begins soon)
18. What happens a year after you're hit by a hurricane?
a. Still looking for pieces of your house
b. Still looking for pieces of your computer
c. Still looking for pieces of yourself
d. The government sees you've started rebuilding; concludes you need no emergency help
Have you noticed the hurricane names just do not do justice to how terrifying the storms are? Who could be afraid of names like Karl, Lisa, Jeanne or Nicole? The proposition is to create a new set of names that will get people's attention that a dangerous storm is on the way. Attention grabbing names like beast, freak, psycho, nuke and hell. Below is a proposed list of new hurricane names.
Proposed New Hurricane Names For Next Year
A Annihilate
B Beast
C Cantankerous
D Demolishment
E Evil
F Freak
G Grisly
H Hell
I Infamous
J Jeopardy
K Kooky
L Liverish
M Malicious
N Nuke
O Offensive
P Psycho
Q Quash
R Ravage
S Scuzzy
T Terminator
U Ugly
V Vicious
W Wacko
Some old, some new... but it is that time...
= = =
= = =
You can get this on a T-shirt at Cafe Press...
In celebration of Star Wars:
how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen
= = = =
I really enjoyed The Commentary between Dave and Shane on the Anakin vs Harry Potter grudge match.
And the rest are pretty funny as well. Enjoy!
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
I might try this with squash!!! ;-)
20 Ways to Make Macaroni & Cheese More Interesting
By Maji Hildreth
1) Green food dye. Every toddler knows that green stuff is more fun to eat! Grasshoppers, the lawn and dishwashing liquid, for example.
2) Serve it a day old and cold! Shape it creatively into a Teletubbie! Express yourself!
3) If you really want them to eat it, dish it out into the Barbie Grand Minivan or the cat's dish. Now that's fun!
4) Pretend to sneeze it out of your nose. Boogers are pretty neat when you're little.
5) Spend an evening installing small motorized gyrators in each shell. Make their dinner dance and sing the Macarena! Okay, this may take more time than you actually have but if you really want five minutes of peace in the shower, you'll listen to me.
6) Dinner in the tub! Kill two birds with one, soapy stone!
7) Go to McDonalds and leave the macaroni in the box.
8) Four words! Macaroni and Cottage cheese! Yummy!
9) Hide the macaroni in an old shoebox in the flower bed and let the kids dig it up! Everyone knows things taste better when you dig them out of the ground!
10) Allow the kids to preheat it in the VCR. After all, that bologna must be getting lonely.
11) Serve it in their hair. Most of it ends up there anyway.
12) Make macaroni necklaces. That way they can eat on the move.
13) Make it a candlelit macaroni dinner! If they can't see what they're eating, you might be able to sneak some brussel sprouts in there.
14) First one to finish the bowl gets that Pokemon card they wanted!
15) Cold macaroni snacks! A little granola, some pasta, a few banana chips! It's a healthy, crunchy bag of goodness!
16) Marinate the macaroni all night in tequila. It won't be any fun for them since they can't eat it but after you have a bowl, will you really care?
17) Let them trick or treat for their dinner! Shovel the macaroni into a bag along with some peas and applesauce and it becomes a fun holiday event!
18) Let the dog try it first. Anything that passes the pooch taste test is something toddlers are pretty keen on eating.
19) Get your neighbor to dress up as their favorite cartoon superhero and tout the many goodness factors of a well rounded macaroni dinner while simultaneously juggling flaming torches!
20) Tell them they absolutely, positively cannot eat the macaroni on their plate. You're not kidding. They can't touch it. Reverse psychology, after all, is the clever mom's greatest weapon.
Oldie but Goodie... and some days I feel like this:
BLONDE COOKBOOK
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve
without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath.
I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was
rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients
in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with
this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I
left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked
me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps
counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I
could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I
put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY:
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to
come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get
a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate
Moose.
Some old, some new... most of them are funny!
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : "Nothing."
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes the stupidest knock-knock joke ever!
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris closed, that's why I'm knocking.
And for Floridians:
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Andy.
Andy who?
And he bit me again.
QOTD (just for fun): If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. ~Mohandas Gandhi
LemonStand was kind enough to let me spend some time on her blog. Here are a couple of links to some jokes I left over there:
And just because I need to put in one from Tot:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Chicken
Chicken who?
Chicken in the toilet, don't flush it.
I kid you not... I almost spewed my dinner when he told it the first time. And it still makes me smile.
Odd tidbits found around the web because I can picture it happening at my house someday:
From a Boy's Life, May 1973:
Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: Well, you could try.
= = = = =
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-b.tch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-b.tch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
= = = =
Mathematic puns are the first sine of madness (Johann Von Haupkoph)
= = = =
Mother: Why are you placing a tablecloth with the word "truth" on it on the study table?
Daughter: Mom, I'd like to make this a "truth table."
= = = =
Are you groaning yet???
= = = =
And for some very old humor:
What is the square root of 69? 8 something ("Ate something")
What about sqrt(-69)? I 8 something
Q:and what about 68?
A: do me and i'll owe you 1.
= = = =
Yaa... and you keep dropping by to see what silly humor I'm going to put up next week. ;-)
technorati tag:humor
Oldie but goodie... particularly after tax time.
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?
Good question, noted the Rabbi. We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.
Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer, but on he went, in his obnoxious way. What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?
Ah, yes, replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.
I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. Well, Rabbi, he went on, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?
Here, too, we do not waste, answered the Rabbi. What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
technorati tag:humor
Another oldie but goodie...
Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her
shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She : "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
technorati tag:humor
Oldie but goodie...
Welfare Office
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says. "Hi.. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her s.xual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year."
The guy wide-eyed, says "You're Bullshitting me!
The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well........You started it."
technorati tag:humor
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too."
I have been sick for a week now... and for some reason this just hit me as really funny...
The makers of Viagra funded a study at Stanford to see why the head of a man's pe-nis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, the researchers concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during s.x.
After they published the study, the makers of Cialis decided to fund their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, the Berkeley researchers concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during s.x.
M.I.T., unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Since my boys have a fascination for poop lately, I decided to do a search on it...
The Intellectual Appreciation of Poop was the first thing I found. Does Mountain Dew Pitch Black really turn your poop green? You can find the answer at that website.
And found at a couple of sites:
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done pooping, have pulled your underwear up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so hard you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: This kind of poopie is so huge, you are afraid to flush without breaking it up with your pencil.
GASSEY POOPIE: It is so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks at the bottom of the toilet bowl.
CORN POOPIE: (self explanatory)
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you could do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: This kind hurts so bad coming out, you swear it is leaving sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (aka POWER DUMP): The kind that comes out so fast, your behind is splashed with toilet water.
LIQUID POOPIE: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and splashes all over the toilet bowl and you.
UPPER CLASS POOPIE: The kind of poopie that does not smell.
SUPRISE POOPIE: You are not even at the toilet because you are positive you will only fart, but...(oops!) a poopie.
DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop even though you know you are done pooping. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
ATOMIC POOPIE: The kind that burns on the way out and it still burns hours after you poopie.
At first I thought this was going to be a trick... then I realized it was real questions... I still find it humorous...
National Drivers Test - Results
Your score was: 85%
A score of 70% is passing in most states.
Come on... give it a try...
Was trying to find a program on the History Channel and found
and had a blast with it. Go ahead, make yourself into something from the 'Dark Ages'.
I saw the comic below in the paper today and thought of so many bloggers! Ogre, T1G, Contagion, Grau and more...
Spelling to get into Heaven
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
TAXING SITUATION...
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
VISITING THE IRS
A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone. "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge. "No," said the man.
"I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."
DEDUCTION
A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the auditor pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Why would you say that?" asked the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
Richmond is always putting out brain teasers... I couldn't resist putting this one out.
Brain Teaser
See If You Can Figure Out What These Words Have In Common.......
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Assess
As Richmond does...
the answer will be found later in the comments.
I found some posts that made me laugh out loud last night...
First this one from GuyK about Grandparents
And on a trip through Eric's I found THIS POST on boys and their activities as kids.
Needed some humor and this did it for me:
To see it, click this link:
To send a card, play games or make your own M&M'S character, visit Become An MM
Enjoy!
- Mbassador of Planet M&M'S -
Was sent some funny 'buttons' and thought I would share them with you...
1. 
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
This made me laugh out loud!!! My blog is NOT banned in China. It might be after this post... Guess I'm just not political enough. Or they like my humor.
Go HERE to see if your site is banned.
Let me know!
And now some Irish Jokes!
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife make s him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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Irish lass customer: "Co uld I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin ' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs! and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?
========================
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
A casual conversation between Husband and Wife:
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5 Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember,if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy,it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Creation - This Explains It All!
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone Who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life Span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Since this is not exactly work safe... You shouldn't get in trouble for it, but just in case... press "More Pawprints" to see the picture.
I thought it should have another label... any suggestions???
Very funny!!!
Just a little disappointed.... I had been sent a great YouTube video on Tech Support. When I went to check it out this morning before posting it... it had been removed by the user. Sigh... it was frick'n hilarious. Actually, I found it in another language... but unless you speak that language, I'm not sure you will get it without the english interpretation...
Which means I will leave you with this oldie but goodie that I love:
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years..
It's still February... so I couldn't resist posting some Valentine humor:
What did the boy elephant say to the girl elephant on Valentine's Day?
I love you a ton!
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
It made him wed his plants!
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!
What did the boy bat say to the girl bat on Valentine's Day?
You're fun to hang around with!
What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
You're purrr-fect for me!
What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle on Valentine's Day?
You mean a great dill to me!
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
The answers are printed below (click on More Pawprints), but don't you cheat.
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on ________________________.
03. Get your kicks, ___________________."
04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ________________________."
05.In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____________________."
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "____________."
07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best....... _________________."
08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ________________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ________________
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named _____________________and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and __________________".
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their _______________________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW . What other names did it go by? ____________________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died."This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called _________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______________________________________________________!
And I would love to know how you did!!! Leave a comment or send an email.
ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
One day, Gramma sent her grandson Peter down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Gramma asked him."I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" criedPeter. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Peter. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!""Well, Gramma," replied Peter, "If he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
HatTip to Funny Humor
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ’For the Sick’."
HatTip to Humor Planet
HatTip to Jenny
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UPDATE: I couldn't resist and put in Tink's current name. I kid you not...
There are 0 people in the U.S.!!!
Hmmmm... guess she doesn't exist!
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Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!"
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"Nope." says IT guy one. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop."
"Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"
Eeek... it got cold last night. From 80s to 40s is just too much for this Florida Female. Yep, stuck on F words.
It should not be this cold at 7:45am in Florida.
Everyone seemed to think I could reach this spider or it could get to me. Nope, it is at the top of my screened in porch. I use the zoom to try and get pictures. Then again, it could always drop down on my head I guess. GRIN. Still, I thought this turned out to be a really cool picture. Click to Enlarge:
My mom sent me these 'possible' super bowl ads (and Richmond found them on youTube for me!)!
cockatoo:
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parrots:
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a go od source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
A friend sent me this today:
Maxine on Border Control.....
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Most of these are self explanatory...
Redneck Pictures:
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Seems we have been taken over by Vultures! Here are a few that liked my fence:
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They decided to roost in a tree nearby:
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What's next?
This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female?
To find out the answer, "LOOK DOWN"..........
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C'mon, Not here, "LOOK DOWN".. Not Scroll down
A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her.
In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
I was talking to my mom about how a wrote out a grocery list and then proceeded to lose it the same day. Then my mom sent me this:
I laughed out loud when I saw it. Perfect, just perfect.
Since I'm off a day and going somewhere really hot in the future... might as well as have some fun. There is strong adult language at this link... particularly if you try to miss hitting the apple. Be aware the 'fire' button you need to click is on the right.
ya ya ya... so it's Thursday. I lost a day somewhere this week. Besides, I'm probably going to a very hot spot after this humor:
Finkelstein and Jesus
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no,no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor ? "
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
Can you guess what it read ?
Are you sure you want to know ?
Here it comes...
Don't say you weren't warned......
Here it comes............. (click on More Pawprints)
A friend sent me 37 pictures of t-shirts. I could not resist posting a few for you to see:
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And this reminded me of my children and then reminded me of when I worked outside the home... the similarities were shocking:
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UPDATE: When I don't have enough sleep, I seem to think I write things that don't get written. I meant to add I thought of OddyBobo and Basil when I read this one!
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And here are a few that reminded me of Contagion... if he is still alive...
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A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she
noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down,
she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her.
She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were
three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a
stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently
walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an
eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
There are so many great links out there for this time of year. I couldn't resist this cute SNOWMAN link. Enjoy!
and what is Christmas without an old quiz???? I found this at Humor Matters.
1. Quadruped with crimson proboscis_______________
2. 5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise___________________
3. Miniscule hamlet in the far east __________________
4. Ancient benevolent despot ______________________
5. Adorn the vestibule ___________________________
6. Exuberance directed to the planet ________________
7. Listen, aerial spirits harmonizin _________________
8. Monarchial trio _______________________________
9. Yonder in the haystack _________________________
10. Assemble, everyone who believes _________________
11. Hallowed post meridian _________________________
12. Fantasies of a colorless December 25th _____________
13. Tin tintinnabulums ____________________________
14. A dozen 24-hour yule periods ____________________
15. Befell during the transparent bewitching hour ______
16. Homo sapien of crystallized vapor ________________
17. I merely desire a pair of incisors __________________
18. I spied my maternal parent osculating a fat man in red__
19. Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy ____
20. Aloft on the acme of the abode _____________________
Results:
15 – 20 Correct — You don’t need any Yuletide spirit!
10 – 14 Correct — You could use something in your stocking!
5 – 9 Correct — Are you sure you have the right holiday?
1 – 4 Correct — Surely you jest!?!
Click on MORE PAWPRINTS for the answers!!!
1. Quadruped with crimson proboscis —Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
2. 5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise — Silent Night
3. Miniscule hamlet in the far east — O Little Town of Bethlehem
4. Ancient benevolent despot — Good King Wenceslas (or some believe in Jolly Old St. Nicholas)
5. Adorn the vestibule —Deck the Halls
6. Exuberance directed to the planet — Joy to the World
7. Listen, aerial spirits harmonizing — Hark the Herald Angels Sing
8. Monarchial trio — We Three Kings
9. Yonder in the haystack — Away in a Manger
10. Assemble, everyone who believes — Come All Ye Faithful
11. Hallowed post meridian — O Holy Night
12. Fantasies of a colorless December 25th — I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas
13. Tin tintinnabulums — Silver Bells
14. A dozen 24-hour Yule periods — The Twelve Days of Christmas
15. Befell during the transparent bewitching hour — It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
16. Homo sapien of crystallized vapor — Frosty the Snowman
17. I merely desire a pair of incisors — All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
18. I spied my maternal parent osculating a fat man in red — I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus
19. Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy — Walking Through a Winter Wonderland
20. Aloft on the acme of the abode — Up on the Rooftop
Bou has THIS POST on her poor reindeer with butt light issues. Of all the things I see in the newspaper, THIS catches my eye and I think of Bou:
Can you imagine the fun you could have with that????
It's been a year and it's that time. Time to have a
just be sure not to hit Santa too many times. Naughty naughty!
How did you do?
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And if that wasn't the thing for you... how about
for your family? Shocking, isn't it?
THE PE-NIS WANTS A RAISE
I, the Pe-nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1-------- I do physical labor.
2.------- I work at great depths.
3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.
4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5.--------I work in a damp environment.
6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7.------- I work in high temperatures.
8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.
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Reply: Dear Pe-nis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours str aight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
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Five reasons not to be a pe-nis.
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint
My mom sent me this one:
Why Rednecks Can't Be Paramedics
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba's dead from one of them there Heart Attacks! What should Ah do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, you've got to make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...and then a gun shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now whut?"
Some things just hit my funny bone and THIS POST over at House of Zathras did it for me. Enjoy!
On the first day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
Windows XP for my PC
.
On the second day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
2 GPFs, and
Windows XP for my PC
.
On the third day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows XP for my PC
.
On the fourth day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows XP for my PC
.
On the fifth day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
5 hours of tech support
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows XP for my PC
On the sixth day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
6 ints conflictin'
5 hours of tech support
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows 98 for my PC
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 hours of tech support
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows XP for my PC
.
On the eighth day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 hours of tech support
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows XP for my PC
.
On the ninth day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 hours of tech support
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows XP for my PC
.
On the tenth day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 hours of tech support
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows XP for my PC
.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 hours of tech support
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows XP for my PC
.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, Microsoft gave to me
12 sound cards silent
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 hours of tech support
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows XP for my PC
Remember this on Christmas.
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game (and Snopes), while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid- December. Female reindeer retain their antlers til after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known...ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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Side note: That1Guy posted a story about Santa and the Norad Santa Tracking for 2006.
Here is a great Christmas song / video for my Geeky friends. Being to lazy to figure out how to post just the video... you'll have to go to the page and play it. And thanks to MaryBeth... here it is:
For those of you who don't know me well. This is a perfect song for me. I mean perfect.
Although VW is not dreading this Wednesday, we will keep her tradition and post some really corny jokes. Her boys love riddles so here are some Turkey riddles for you to enjoy.
What did the mother turkey say to
her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now,
he'd turn over in his gravy!
Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!
What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!
What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration?
The Butter Ball
How does a Turkey drink her wine?
In a gobble-let
How many turkeys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but it takes 5 hours
Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It's served with very little dressing.
What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch
What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!
Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed!
What did the turkey do in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
He played his drumsticks!
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in awhile, you get lucky, and get a piece of a.s.s that brings tears to your eyes.
Think like a kid when you read these.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what i s the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: "H I J K L M N O".
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's "H to O".
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie. .... A lways say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
(vw bug: I could have sworn he was going to say Mom!)
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Found this at Mellow Drama. And I think what I found funniest is that I scored 99% higher than my age group on all 3 variables.
the Wit |
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais  The 3-Variable Funny Test! - it rules - If you're interested, try my best friend's best test: The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece |
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test |
Ok, a quick bit of humor... would you? could you? Go in this toilet where the walls are one way glass?
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From the inside:
Something to go trick or treating on:
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And if you need something to waste some time... try
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Extreme Redneck:
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
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And some fun pumpkin carvings:
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(family: no this is NOT me.)
Was reading the paper today when they had a big article on THIS COMPANY. Yaa... you need some halloween stuff. Go check them out. I saw a lot of stuff I thought would be fun... like their Catrageous Window Cover and then remembered I have boys. Uhhh NO. Not going to get any of the stuff. I'll never hear the end of it.
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops........
A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were playing in the sandbox, when unexpectedly, the little boy farts,causing aLittle sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices,and squeals with laughter.
"How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks?
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is.
He finds her lying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust!"
Something else to waste your time. I loved it!!!
This is not good... wasting time instead of folding clothes. Sigh....
Something to waste time and have fun... found it at Ogre's place.
Love the skeleton. :-)
I needed a laugh and a friend sent me these 'Testimonies'. I have seen them before, but they still made me laugh out loud. Maybe because I still can see myself in so many of them.
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case. the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soo oooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
"Grannie, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
"No darling. There is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If Elected I Promise'."
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And more politically incorrect humor, check out THIS SITE.
President Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. Right?
The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border.
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.
This is driving me nuts. I see everyone posting temps in the 60s or below. Talking about leaves changing. All those things that happen in 'Fall' or 'Autumn'. Folks... we don't get that in Florida. Here is what our local newspaper predicts our Temp will get to today:
From THIS SITE
# Knock, knock
Who's there?
Thistle who?
Thistle have to hold you until dinner's ready.
# Knock, knock
Who's there?
Adolf Adolf who?
Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat's why I dawk dis way.
# Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
I love.
I love who?
I don't know, you tell me!
# Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!
# Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Woo.
Woo, who?
Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.
# Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Easter.
Easter, who?
The Easter Bunny.
# Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna, who?
Anna nother Easter Bunny!
# Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Moira. Moira, who?
Moira Easter Bunnies.
# Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie, who?
Howie gonna get rid of all these Easter Bunnies?
# Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ammonia
Ammonia who?
Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage
# Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mary lee
Mary lee who?
Mary lee we roll along
# Knock, knock
Who's there?
Aardvark
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles
A Day Late... but for Michele, I will post this:
Some Happy Dog humor... pirated from Jokes.Net
Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!
Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!
Q: What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
A: Any kind of bloodhound!
Q: What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
A: Wire haired terriers!!
Q: What do you call a happy Lassie?
A: A jolly collie!
Q: What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A: A dingo-ling!
Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
A: A bud hound!
Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!
Q: What is the dogs favourite city?
A: New Yorkie!
Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!
Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet.
Seems I'm a little behind in the pirate day post! I have some cute costumes that AWTM sent me... so cute that I'm putting them in the extended entry... press 'More pawprints' to see them. Now if I could just look like that in them... Maybe I me hubby enough Pirate Alcohol... hmmmm....
update: I just found this POST on Random Thoughts from Marybeth. It has a link to learn how to talk like a Pirate. Glad someone wasn't blindsided by Pirate Day... where did I miss the announcement???
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I think my children would freak if I got any of these EGGS. They might be a cool gift for someone who loves gardening and has everything.
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
SOUTHERN CHARM
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school ?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" said the first woman.
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
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And more Southern Humor
An old man lived alone in Florida. He wanted to spade his tomato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a reply.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Bubba
At 4 AM the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don’t understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Things that had me laughing today...
One was the conversation in the comments of THIS POST by Sissy.
Another was following the links in THIS POST by Ogre.
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want Out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jacka$$ to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
Caught your attention? Caught mine when I was reading a Discovery news post.
The first loud crackle tastes and feels like popcorn, but by the time the juices spray wildly in your mouth and the filament-like legs slide down your throat, there's no mistaking this toasted ant queen.
Yaa... that just about made me barf... then I read this:
"In France, they're so highly regarded people started calling them the caviar of Santander," said Stephane Le Tirant, curator at the Montreal Insectarium.
Ok... I guess I'm just not 'classy' enough. I can't imagine eating chocolate covered big butt queen ants.
An oldie but goodie...
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial trouble. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?". Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?". Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?". Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I- s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louie replied, "w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks, o-o-or wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-to y-y-you?
This is not humor, but a time waster... and it made me laugh. I did not do well on the parallel parking.
New virus
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
MEN ARE LIKE HANDGUNS
keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.
Dear Friends,
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up the man in your life, send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and then add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, of whom one may be well worth keeping. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.
You can be lucky, too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back!
So let's keep it going, ladies! Just add your name and address to the list below:
Laura Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C
**side note** BLHHHHHHH to those friends complaining I never have humor about our President.
There are times when I can't help but enjoy some good ol' geek humor. Like this picture sent to me from Sticks.
My mom sent me this one. We had a great laugh about it. Thought maybe this woman was related to us.
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Domestic Bliss - The Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
Something for those Florida folks... oh wait I am a Florida folk... and I thought this was pretty funny!
"Down South" means Key West
"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.
You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.
Flip-flops are everyday wear.
Shoes are for business meetings and church.
No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.
Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida.
You measure distance in minutes.
You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.
It's not soda, cola, or pop...it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor, "What kinda coke you want?"
Anything under 95 is just warm.
You've hosted a hurricane party.
You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.
You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee and Withlacoochee.
You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
Bumperstickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.
You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools.
You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
You get angry when people say "Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH"
You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important
Slowly getting back on-line. More stories later. Until then... here is a humorous story just for T1G....
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left ! of ;the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldnt read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
= = = =
And here is a Double Dog Dare... that I would love to get for my sisters.
Oldie but goodie
"Chief Two Eagles" asked by one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
*No taxes,
*No debt,
*Plenty buffalo,
*Plenty beaver,
*Women did all the work,
*Medicine man free,
*Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having s.x."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled....."Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Some old, some new... I still love this stuff.
PONDERISMS
* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
· Life is sexually transmitted.
· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
· Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
· If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
. Do you ever wonder why you come read my Wednesday humor?
This one had me laughing out loud (LOL)!
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"
Never to be one on time making announcements or anything of that nature... Here is a late Happy Blogvesary to Grandpappy Harvey! He has a request for his blogversary at THIS POST. Go add your story to it.
It had been a long time since I saw this joke... and could not resist the 'tater tot' humor. Enjoy!
= = =
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe , Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
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OK! Here it is!
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A COMMON TATER
and from Prochein Amy, an oldie but goodie!
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the
top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but
easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the
right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
Interesting Observation
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and........
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.
Another Oldie but Goodie!
The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, your ever-faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, and I want a divorce!"
The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"Hmm, I don't know. Well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you unfaithful pig!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . .
"While I was driving home, this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her, so defenseless that I allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She cried that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn't eat because you are afraid that you will gain weight. The poor little thing practically devoured them."
"Since she was very dirty, I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I put them in the trash. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years. The ones you can no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse I gave to you on our anniversary. The one you don't wear because I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas. The one that you won't wear just to annoy her. And I gave her the boots that you bought at that expensive boutique. The ones you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we reached the door, she turned, and with tears streaming from her eyes,she asked me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Oldies but goodies
1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? ... You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon ... they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well ... they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men ... most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to The monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you Think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like Anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus Into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He Tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a Seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back To the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful Sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of Grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks On the door of the monastery.
"I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for: By Design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you Ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and Reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door Is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door!
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels fantastic, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
I must be dreaming! Just by chance I looked at my stats (long story about checking on my sister, Tink and ended up looking at my own) and almost fell over. I thought I had to be dreaming. Hence, I took a picture of it... here it is:
For the first time in two years, I got 'launched'... Instapundit linked to me... Wow. And then I realized there were so many links I couldn't list them all without it taking all night. I have hosted the Carnival of Recipes three times and this is the very first time I have had so many hits in one day. Thank you to everyone that participated and for those who linked to me. Wow. Just Wow.
Guess I really ought to look at my stats more than once every six months. I didn't realize I had so many readers even before yesterday... Maybe I ought to take a poll and see what everyone likes to see most? Naaaa. You can always leave a comment.
A British company is developing computer chips which store music, to be implanted in women's breasts. This is viewed as a major breakthrough as, up until now, women have complained that men were staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat. After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is .. absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
"Text blatantly stolen from Contagion"
Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has decided to have a mid-life crisis. How one just ups and decides this is beyond me, but he has. To make matters even goofier he can’t come up with something to do as part of his crises and has asked his readers for suggestions.
There are rules and judges. Check it out HERE and see if you can add any creative ideas to help him with his mid-life crisis. I'm about as creative as a rock, but I know there are those out there that can come up with some great ideas. I'm looking forward to seeing what is suggested.
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet Beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an Exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this Time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic Wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared In her hands. Then it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a moment And said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 Years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy waved her Magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
Much has happened. Not enough time to write it all down. Hence, I'm going to give you some good ol' southern humor:
First some Southerness:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. (** and my kids know how to pitch both of them)
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A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
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In the South, y'all is singular, .... all y'all is plural.
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And now for a joke...
The Texas preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fainted.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Saw this in an email... probably already out in the blog-o-sphere... but I couldn't resist (click to enlarge):
This picture came to me from a friend... and I was knocked over by a feather. It has to be Ogre! He is always talking about Llamas, posting Llama pictures... and now here is Ogre:
Oldie but goodie!!!
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my bosom is barely above my waist, and my bottom is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
CLASS REUNION OF A 65 YEAR OLD LADY
I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body.
The last many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.
Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back..." bodies never have pockets where you need them.
Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees...before the zipper gave out.
I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again and dance the night away. Okay, one setback was not going to the mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black velvet caftan.
I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drugstore, the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.
Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the all day "kiss me till my lips bleed and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow...
But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.
OK - time to get ready...I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and scoured my body to a tingling pink.
I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers.
I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear.
With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matchin "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra.
I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge.
I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked.
Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad.
So I rested. A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?"
Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But, I was firm!
oh no...I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch.
From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.
I quickly side stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra and remembered what the saleslady said to do.
I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it
should be worn--straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."
Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down...but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy.
I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands.
Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination.
Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled, "Yes, Houston, we have lift up!" My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest and I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh...why did I buy heels with buckles?
Then I had to pee again.
I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.
IF THIS DID NOT GIVE YOU A GOOD LAUGH -YOU'RE TOO YOUNG!
Tater asked for knock knock jokes. I found some HERE.
A sample to keep you going:
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Ice cream !
Ice cream who ?
Ice cream if you don't let me in !Knock Knock
Who's there !
Water !
Water who ?
Water way to answer the door !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Figs !
Figs who ?
Figs the doorbell, it's brokenKnock, Knock.
Who's there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
No bell, that's why I knocked!Knock Knock
Who's there !
Cash !
Cash who ?
Cash me if you can !
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock.
Just got a note from Sticks.
Did you see this at Harvey's site? It ranks the popularity of your name by year. In the 1960's you were 69. What a claim to fame!
Yipeee!!!!
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and in return, you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Bubby & Earl are fishing and sipping beer when Bubba suddenly says..."I'm thinking of divorcing my wife...she hasn't spoken to me in six months."
Earl looks at his friend...takes a sip of his beer and after a moment or two says... "You better think it over....women like that are hard to find."
Ocassionally, a Happy Dog loves cat humor...
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b.tch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Seems one can't sick without the other following quickly behind. It has been a long couple of days. And this time I am happy to have company. They have been doing dishes, picking up stuff and entertaining one kid while I medicate the other. Wish I could figure out how to keep them here a little longer! I even got a 45 minute nap in today... considering the overall sleep index has been about 5 hours in 48...
Something to keep you entertained over the weekend. Blame this on Mausi over at The Gray Monk.
Kakuro games
TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride. Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers , scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question...
Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
= = = = = =
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
WHY DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
UPDATE: I seem to be off by one day. There will be more humor tomorrow.
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
Some humor for the weekend. Real or not, these are funny. Some old, some new but all made me smile.
Don't have to be a pilot to appreciate these ....
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
*************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
*************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f . . ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f . . ing bored, not f . . . ing stupid!"
**************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this . . . . I've got the little Fokker in sight."
**************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,
ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
**************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
**************************************************************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
*************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern . . . we've already notified our caterers."
*************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
**************************************************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Being really lazy this morning... go to THIS LINK to enjoy some Irish proverbs.
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is just out of his reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy turns and yells, "Now we run!"
While checking out Grouchy Old Cripple's site... I found THIS POST. Here is a quote from it:
Holy Crap! Look what's on The History Channel 8:00 PM Friday night.
And a quote from the History Channel:
Wife, mother, queen...and leader of one of the most violent rebellions against Roman domination in British history. This we know about Boudica, Queen of the Iceni.
Looks like they got Bou pegged.
Let's start with a bad Pun and end on a stupid game:
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to post a story like this.)
= = = =
One of those mindless games that you can't help but play...
Tennis Challenge
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
Lacking the Basics
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
Dirty Boy
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
Wise Schoolteacher
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
My BIL sent me to THIS ARTICLE.
Here's how it worked, according to police: A family member would go into a store such as Wal-Mart and buy an inexpensive item like a squeegee. He would then take it home and copy the bar code label. That label would be taken back to the store and put on a more expensive item like a digital camera, which could then be purchased for a fraction of the price, investigators said.
Someone help me here... Doesn't the barcode show up on the screen as to what is being scanned? Uhhhhhh... and then showing the world how they may have done it... yaaa... and of course, I can't resist in helping spread the word.
Definitely time for a weekend break for me.
I was surfing the blogs trying to spark my memory to come back. There has been a lot of blog fodder this week, but I didn't write anything down. Now I can't remember it. I was hoping that reading blogs would help stimulate my mind... until I read a comment at my own blog by my own sister!!!
In response to GuyK at Bou's, that is because they were all at VW's wedding and simply disappeared after that. I have a picture around here somewhere to proof it. That is, unless, of course, bug, wants to fork over some blackmail so I don't post it.
And so you don't have to go hunting for GuyK's quote on Bou's story about our kids eating breakfast together... here it is:
Good looking bunch and must be pretty good kids-I didn't see any policemen in the background nor a fire anywhere
Ok, Sis... what do you want? No fireman/policeman pictures over here. I would never live it down.
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
HERE is a story that caught my eye.
Charity dinner for children mistakenly serves up naughty fortunes
Have to thank my Bro-in-law for THAT STORY.
And now for something else humorous:
My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores.
One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."
The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper.
The note read, "Neither does Bob Vila."
On the way to have Breakfast with Bou, Tater hollars from the back of the car "I have to Poop!". Lovely. (Notice the sarcasm in my voice). Tot is still a "momma's boy" and won't stay with Bou. Luckily Bou has 3 boys of her own and would know what to do. In fact, after we got there I asked if she would mind taking him and she said no.
She went with Tater straight to the bathroom and we went to the table. I got 2 coffees and 2 milks and waited. And waited. And waited. I was starting to get worried. Did he go in his pants and she was 'cleaning them'? Did they get lost? Strange thoughts go through your mind at times like this. Like the fact I have had only 12 hours sleep in 5 days. I really wish I had not calculated it out nor the calculation that if the average person gets 8 hours a night, then in 5 nights they would have gotten 40 hours. Which meant I got a quarter of the amount of sleep of an average person.
Back to the story... I'm easily sidetracked... Finally they arrived. We ordered, got our toast early, worked on coloring and talked. Eventually I had to ask... what happened in the bathroom. She said he sat down and they waited. She asked him if everything was ok, and he said “Sometimes we just have to wait for the poopâ€Â. Yaa, we both laughed.
And then she said he must have emptied his colon. The pot was full. I laughed. I swear that kid poops his weight some days.
It got better. After a very nice breakfast, we got the kids together and started to leave. While standing at the car, Bou mentioned she needed to leave and go to work. Tater responded with "only Boys go to work". I thought we both we would fall over. What???? Then again, every Mon-Fri when Dad leaves... it's "give Dad a kiss before he goes to work". Bou asked what Girls do. Brave woman. "Girls work at home". OMG! She was very sweet to Tater, kissed his forehead and told him that the work girls do at home is MUCH harder than the work away from home.
Yep... that's my boy. Now what? ;-)
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN
For those interested in Harry Potter... try THIS SITE.
And those who need some real humor:
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Mom and Dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His Mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.
While I'm out of internet service, I have asked my Happy Dog to stand guard for me. This was his response:
Be careful, he might actually get up and lick you. ;-) See you again on Tuesday.
I put up the tartan. I also made it green. blhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Now I just need a quote from Harvey... all the ones I have made up just come out sounding vulgar. And I can't use real comments ... like the one he made here: "mmmm... bug extract :-)"
Any ideas?
Here is another voucher for Basil at Basil's blog. His reason for becoming a member just shocks me. But I'll vouch for him anyway.
You might be a true Pensacolian if you:
~ Know that a Blue Angel is a pilot, not a heavenly being.
~ Don't even give a screaming roadside preacher a second glance.
~ Accept that you are the only people in the country who toss mullet AND eat them.
~ Support Frank Patti unconditionally.*
~ Know which bathroom to go into at McGuire's Irish Pub.
~ Pour your Bushwhacker out on the boardwalk, to avoid Pensacola Christian College students.
~ Know that, when traveling on I-110 and you get static over the radio, the "Hot Doughnuts Now" light is on at Krispy Kreme.
~ Know these street names in order and know they are actually the same road:
Saufley Field Road, Michigan Avenue, Beverly Parkway, Brent Lane, Bayou Boulevard, and Perry Avenue, and, don't forget Mobile Highway, Cervantes Street, Scenic Highway, Highway 90.
Added bonus if you can explain it to a visitor or tourist!
~ Eat fried mullet.
~ Cried when you learned that J's bakery was closing and you celebrated upon its reopening.
~ Think a graffiti covered bridge is actually a local landmark, instead of a vandalized eyesore.
~ Kissed the moose.
~ Know the Oyster Bar is closed on Tuesdays.
~ Start most of your directions by saying "turn left at Jerry's Drive-In."
~ Know not to wear a tie to Mesquite Charlie?s.
~ Must drive on at least three roads undergoing construction wherever you go.
~ Call a drive to Nine Mile Road a ?road trip.?
~ Still call a certain intersection "The Circle."
~ Still call the corner of Garden and Alcaniz "The Sheraton."
~ Know that you had better pull over for funeral processions.
~ Know that, when arriving in Gulf Breeze from the 3-Mile Bridge, you immediately do the posted 35-mph speed limit and honor that speed limit through Gulf Breeze proper.
~ Have gotten a speeding ticket in Gulf Breeze.
~ Go to the beach over the Navarre bridge instead of the Gulf Breeze bridge, to save a buck in tolls.
~ Prefer county commission or school board meetings to WWF Smackdown, because there's more action.
~ Subscribe to the News Journal only to keep up with the latest on the Escambia County School Board.
~ Explain to visitors that it is not the harbor they smell, but the Main Street sewage treatment plant.
~ Would never drive to the beach to the Blue Angels show, preferring to go by boat instead.
~ Arrange your social calendar around Blue Angels weekends.
~ Think the four seasons are "almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas."
~ Know Roy Jones has a chicken house.
~ Call Scenic Highway "The Bluffs."
~ Moved back to Pensacola more than three times.
~ Have been asked to join every world religion while enjoying an evening in Seville Square.
~ Attend Thursday night summer concerts in the park, enduring blazing heat and 98% humidity.
~ Know the correct pronunciation of Texar Drive, Reus, Bobe, and Brainerd Streets.
~ Still call Perdido Beach "Gulf Beach."
~ Have waited in line for over an hour when a new chain restaurant comes to town.
~ Know at least 3 people involved in the Sandshaker scandal.
~Have witnessed at least 5 cars running a red light at any given intersection.
~You own a generator and have a year?s supply of water and gas stockpiled for next year's hurricane season.
~ Remember when Pensacola Beach didn't resemble Beirut.
~Continue to rebuild after every hurricane because why would you live anywhere else?
Live simply...laugh often...love deeply.
Forgot to put this post up yesterday. Still sick, still not thinking straight. But I missed being able to vouch for Richmond and Pamibe... I'm not going to screw this one up... well not much...
Here you go LW. I vouch for you to join the BE Scottish like clan.
And for Ogre because I can't tell if he has 3 or not.
There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand. Since it was quite hot and he was thirsty, he decided to stop.
Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass.
Well, he thought that it was a very small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all he could drink, he decided to get some anyway.
He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up."
The kid replied, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents."
To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime."
"It is," the little boy replies, "that's all you can drink for a dime."
Found THIS LINK over at Gray Monk. I must say I LOL'd when I read it. GRIN. Find out what happened to Grammar on the internet by reading THIS LINK.
An oldie but goodie:
TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, ALL the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it IS mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's YOURS.
For my family... (and for everyone else, the 'inside' joke here is that my Mom was silly enough to buy me a 101 Elephant Joke book before we took a car trip from Illinois to Florida. I thought they were hilarious and read them out loud over and over and over... the book got 'lost' somewhere along the way).
Q: Why do elephants float down the river on their backs?
A: So they won't get their tennis shoes wet.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait until Autumn.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: To hide in cherry trees.
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a pickle?
A: Their color of course!
Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
A: Cold ones.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.
Q: What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds?
A: An elephant six-pack.
Q: What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
A: About three thousand miles.
Q: What do elephants take when they get hysterical?
A: Trunkquilizers.
Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
A: You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant.
Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
A: By 'elephone.
Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes?
A: For carrying their library cards.
Sick of them yet?
Q: What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants?
A: The Tusk Fairy.
Q: Where do elephants with skincare problems go?
A: Pachydermatologists.
Q: What's red & white on the outside, and grey on the inside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
(No, I did not make this one up!)
Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Ok, enough already... Did you really make it this far? You are one sick puppy! ;-)
While Tater is potty trained, Tot is not. And my Mom saw THIS on HGTV. That's right. A toddler urinal called Peter Potty. No plumbing required.
I would have loved to have this with Tater if it really would have helped him to learn how to Pee in the potty faster. Besides, it is just too funny. Can you imagine your family and friends going into the bathroom and seeing it?
Wonder if my Hubby would consider getting one for Tot? We could take it on trips! I could take it out in the yard while we are playing! hahahaha. I imagine you all can think of uses for it as well.
Some old, some new... all made me smile.
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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2. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
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4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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5. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
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9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
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10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .they're cramming for their final exam.
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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
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17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they j ust put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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19. You never really learn to swear until you start working for Texas Dept Of Corrections.
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20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
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22. Whatever happened to Preparation A through G? (this one may need to be read twice?.it will come to you)
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23. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"? (It so clear now! )
I am #11 for Monkey Butt Sniffing Finger. Give me a Break! I guess I should be happy I wasn't #1. I will blame this on GuyK. He just had to put something in my comments on Butt Sniffing. GRIN. Yaa, I bet I move up in the ranks now that I have this post.
Hat Tip to CalTechGirl's Mom for the humor today.
Getting Married
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was , The pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a
follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant.
Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied,the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were
going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit
taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.
Loan story
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you
did!!!
It is getting close to the interview time for Sticks over at Basil's Blog. Ohhh yaaa. I'm going to ask some good questions. My interview is over, hence she can't get me back easily.
How about you join me in the fun? HERE is her blog. Single mom with three boys... and a great sense of humor. Go ahead, make her day.
UPDATE: You send your questions to basil.interviews AT gmail.com and you need them there by Jan 15th.
I went out the door this morning and thought I was seeing things. I thought I saw snow on my lawn:
Even our Happy Dog was at attention walking through it:
But alas, it was just frost...
It certainly is a little cold this morning. GRIN
Don't Pee in the Pool
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
A Fishing Lure
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of he-ll. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
Ok Ok... I'm late getting this out. But trust me, I have been extremely busy. In fact for the next week, I'm not sure how much I will get to post. I have great pictures and stories from my visit to my mom's. Hopefully I'll remember them all when I get a chance to post!!!
Here is some dog humor:
SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
Engineers' Conversion Tables
This is pretty heavy scientific stuff......converting units:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
New Element Found
The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October [2005] a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Government."
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second!
Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes Administratium (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Gv since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Note from Santa Claus:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Some old, some new... all are funny!
Side Note: Since I have some new readers, I thought I would let you know that I use to hate Wednesdays. Not Mondays but Wednesdays. Why? Because that was the night my husband would 'go out with the guys' and leave me with two very young children. Hence, the need for a little extra humor on this day.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
At last. A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state.
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
ITS ALL YOUR FAULT.
Christmas has been canceled and it is all your fault because you told Santa you had been good this year.
And he died laughing!
Life Reflections
· If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
· Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
· Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
· Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
· A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
· A closed mouth gathers no feet.
· If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
· My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
· I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
· If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
· Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
· Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
· A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
· Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
· Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
· No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Who's Your Daddy..
These will make you smile and shake your head...
When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way...
Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heels in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have
remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Yep, you guessed it right. You are all paying taxes to support these dim bulbs.
Which is your favorite?
It has been a long stressful week. I received this in an email and LOL. Decided I would pass it on and hope it helps you start laughing as well.
Russian Wrestling
A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.
Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement.As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So"the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Not really.You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
Finally! I watched an Auburn game and they won. Every game they lost this year, I watched some part of it. Never saw a game they won. Until last night!!!!
Go HERE to read how they won by 1 point.
This is a humorous story sent to me and I can't resist sharing it.
For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we've been given and savor the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie.
For me, it's a little more complicated.
One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.
"What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me.
"We learned that boys are different from girls," she chirped.
Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head.
"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added
"Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously.
I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up a gain. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."
I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.
"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well..."
I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Well I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once?
"Oh, well...um..." I stammered.
She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."
That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things.
As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.
"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"
I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.
There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.
She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it - and I did - she got over her pique.
That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky.
Every year I remember that conversation.
And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.
Oh boy.... Or should I say "Oh Girl"? I have THREE of my favorite female bloggers up for a heart card. Is there a problem? Yes!!! You only get to vote ONCE. Well... twice if you have a machine at work and at home... maybe a third time if you can convince someone to let you use their machine.
The three female bloggers? (in Alphabetical order)
Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice
CalTechGirl of Not Exactly Rocket Science
Oddybobo of Bobo Blogger
If there are any others that read me and I didn't list you... I didn't see you!!!!
And for the rest of you!!! Go VOTE HERE. You only have till Monday.
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money and work at least 40 hours per week. In addition...each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and an appointment for a haircut. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keep it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE! Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every repulsive character on cartoons.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply themselves either while driving or making four lunches. They must adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed.
During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. He will need to pray with the children each night, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, and time of birth, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
They must clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.
Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moments notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called
Mother
Oldie but goodie!
Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before clicking on More Pawprings for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
Sniff sniff. No one has nominated me to be the 3 of Diamonds. Even though I qualify by being a Large Mammal, I can see everyone reading this and laughing. Ok, snickering. A blog about family life and kids??? What does that have that would qualify for a card? Poop, Pe-nis discussions, b00bs, Dreaded Wed humor, and the most important - Super Pickle Boy and Super Chicken Boy (aka Tater and Tot). Also, it looks like it is those with the most votes that get in a suit. Sigh. If I just knew more of these people:
If you can get a Higher Being, Mortal Humor or Playful Primate to nomiate you, 10 votes will be added to your vote total.
Just joking about becoming a card - I am one already! But I love the idea of a deck of cards from the bloggers I read.. Help out some of my favorites... There is voting going on now for the Club Suit. Go HERE and vote for your favorite military blog Blackfive! It is on the left of the screen. Click on Blackfive, scroll down and press vote.
And some of my others coming up soon:
CaltechGirl's nomination for any card!
Bou's nomination for Queen of Hearts
Graumagus for a Spade
Harvey (who wants to be the 2 of hearts = though there is a question as to whether he wants 12 women on top of him or if he is just feeling 'girly' (see comments).
UPDATE:
OddyBobo's nominated for Queen of Hearts (eek, now who do I vote for???)
Ogre's been nominated for a Spade
More people will be added as I find out about them. Go check it out. Have some fun.
Super Pickle Boy has not done any unusual feats lately. But having breakfast with Bou always seems to keep me laughing. I don't remember the exact wording of our conversation... too many sleepless nights... but it went something like this:
vw: It sure is nice that C was able to come over today. Tater loves him. (for those wondering, I was taking care of a 12 yr old yesterday).
bou: Yep, sure is nice you have a boy toy for your boys to play with.
vw: ** tries not to spew coffee across table ** ** turns around to cry/laugh **
bou: OMG, I'm just like my Mom.
vw: ** now I'm am really crying from holding in the laughter **
Yep, folks. It was that kind of day. For both of us. Unexpected words just came out of our mouths. And it wasn't that Bou meant anything bad about being just like her mom. It was that we both wished we picked up more of our Moms' good habits and not the bad ones. Oh, and what I said, I'm not telling on myself. ;-)
The next 4 days will be fun but busy. I have some cool pictures to post... sometime. Maybe I'll have time tonight. Baah wah hahahaha. Yaa...
Here is some fun with words.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic drunk walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.(Wow, this applies to most of my emails!)
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Let's go check out some other sites for more humor:
First is CalTechGirl with THIS POST. I laughed so hard when I read what the kids did when writing their reports. Here is an excerpt:
7. When cutting and pasting, try not to get the "Back to the Top" link at the bottom of the page.
Next in Alphabetically order is Marie with THIS POST. It reminded me of some of the stuff I have done. I had to laugh. Here is an excerpt:
She says I smell something burning. What's burning?
Third is Oddybobo with THIS POST. It reminded me of my boys. Here is an excerpt:
I promptly took a seat, so as to keep from falling. . .
Forth is Suze with THIS POST. The dry sarcastic sense of humor is great. Here is an excerpt:
As you walk through the door you know your ice cream (dare I call it that?) is going to be expensive because there are at least 5 teens working there.
1. The Hairbrush Song from Veggie Tales
2. Hot Potato from the Wiggles
3. I Love My Lips from Veggie Tales
4. The Yodeling Veternarian of the Alps from Veggie Tales (my son absolutely loves this cartoon and song)
5. Cocky Want A Cracker from the Wiggles
6. I'm the Map from Dora the Explorer
7. That's the Way Loves Goes by Janet Jackson
And many thanks to Marie, CalTechGirl, Suze, Oddybobo. Please go say hi to each of them and say you were sent by VW Bug, Wiggles and Veggie Tales.
UPDATE: There is now a link to Suze!!!
Life has been extremely stressful for the last week, so I have decided to have a contest. If you can correctly name the songs (or come close) that have these lyrics in them, I will link to you in my next 3 posts. How? Who knows, but I'll do it. On the honor system... no googling the answers! You have until 7am Monday to come up with the answers. Asking relatives is acceptable. GRIN.
1. Oh, where is my hairbrush? Oh where is my hairbrush? Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where oh, where ... is my hairbrush?
2. Cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti
(Cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti)
Cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti
(Cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti)
Cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti (spaghetti)
Spaghetti, (spaghetti) spaghetti
Spaghetti, spaghetti
3. If my lips said "Adios, I don't like you, I think you're gross." That'd be too bad, I might get mad.
4. This is a song for your poor, sick penguin
He's got a fever and his toes are blue
But if I sing to your poor, sick penguin
He will feel better in a day or two
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-lee-eee-ooo
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo
Yada-yada yada-yada yad-eee-ooo
5. (Squawk, Whistle)
Cocky want a cracker (Repeat)
(Squawk, Whistle)
Pieces of eight (Repeat)
Everyone around the zoo
they heard the cockys song
They sang and danced along with cocky too
6. If there's a place you got to go
I'm the one you need to know
I'm the Map
I'm the Map
I'm the Map
If there's a place you got to get
I can get you there I bet
I'm the Map (repeat 12 times)
Are you getting the idea that you have to say something over and over and over again in a song?
7. Like a moth to a flame
Burned by the fire
My love is blind
Can't you see my desire
You didn't think they would ALL be kids songs did you?
But the first 6... I pretty much know by heart now. Ugh. Good luck! The one with the most correct answers win!!! BTW, Bou cannot participate since she is the one that gave me some of those songs. GRIN.
This will also be the only post this weekend, unless I can find a few minutes to sneak in another. I think I will be waiting in line for gas and it still takes an hour or more. Go shopping at Lowes or Home Depot to get stuff and the grocery store again. Did I mention I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow and have not bought the soon to be 4 year old GIRL a gift. So much to do and no gas to get there. ;-)
I just discovered Harvey's gone on vacation. Head on over and leave a comment or two at THIS POST. Bring halloween decorations and anything else you want.
I like Ogre... I'll help out a friend of his. Eric's Grumbles Before the Grave is trying to get more links. Since I have never linked to him before... this should help out.
Psst. This is the real sign:
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and Pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
It's getting close to halloween. A couple of people have sent me the following game... enjoy:
I see my Blog mom, Bou, has given her keys over to her dad. Now who should I give the keys to this time? How about to the highest bidder?
Or should I just beg and plead with one of those poor souls I'm always hitting up to help me out?
UPDATE: Sucks, I didn't get this finished early like I wanted. Comes with having Children. Hence, Harvey got a post out. HERE. Still... here is what I wrote this morning:
Want to have some fun? Teresa at Technicalities found that The Commissar is starting a project... Who's Your Blog Daddy (or Momma as the case may be)?
Bloggers, please leave a comment noting your blogfather, or blogmother, as the case may be. Just one please - the one blog that, more than any other, inspired you to start blogging.
I forgot to add the month I started... sigh... Back to leave another comment.
Now it is going to be difficult in that you can only assign ONE daddy (or mommy) but I bet we can overwhelm him with our family. Enjoy and have some fun...
Hat Tip to Richmond!
Umm... You are quirky. You have scared all the
Demons away... I'm not sure if this is good or
bad...
What Demon Follows you? ..:Interesting Pics:..
brought to you by Quizilla
Some Halloween Humor:
Why did the ghost go trick or treating on the top floor?
He was in high spirits!
What is a skeletons favourite drink?
Milk - it's so good for the bones!
And now some other humor:
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her Thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
You Mean These Aren't In the Dictionary?
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are a few of this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
5. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
6. Glibido: All talk and no action.
7. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
8. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
9. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
10. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a pain in the rear.
Take the time and go to THIS SITE and vote for Citizen Grim and Patriot Xeno... see example below. The voting is found on the left hand side. They are falling WAY BEHIND and need our help. You can vote once a day for more than one person... hence, check BOTH boxes before hitting the vote button.
I saw this many years ago and it couldn't be proved as a hoax, I can't believe it is true... still, this is just hilarious...
The next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sis:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job"
The Cat
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
From Quality Weenie a quiz that won't match Bou's! Really... only because I'm the extrovert and she is the introvert. Bet I could go back and take it, only changing the extrovert/introvert and we would match. GRIN.
Who doesn't love a pony? You are one of these miniature horses, renown for your beauty and desired by many. Full of grace, you are a beautiful and very special animal, full of strength and majesty.
From Bobo Blogger is another Quiz that won't match Bou's... or if it does... I'll be a little worried. ;-)
You're Lili St. Cyr!
What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
UPDATE: I wrote this yesterday morning and I see Bou took the quiz. Phew... we don't match.
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh.t if you live to be 80 ?"
Thanks to Indigo for these!
THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," .I was thinking quickly, "All moms mknow this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
I will be out of town for a couple of days. The keys to the blog are held by a couple of people. If they want to leave a post or two... that's cool. If not, you will only have this post until Tuesday morning.
Yaa. I can see it coming. Comment Party? Well, if you are wanting to visit my house and party... the supplies I have on hand are: Chocolate, Wine (lots and lots of wine), I noticed the Vodka and Kaluha are gone, kids toys, bananas, dog toys, videos, and a double stroller. Oh, did I mention we have a pool? But you will have to bring all the other stuff.
Have fun, do NOT behave. Please make sure someone picks up any small stuff my kids might want to play with and should NOT play with before I get back.
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have se-x?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes," she replied. Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.
More Humor:
A South American Scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people lacking adequate se-xual activities read their e-mails (or blogs) with their hand on the mouse...
...Don't bother taking it off, it's too late.
In case you're having a bad day:
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.
** Doing the Happy Dance ** I can't believe I made #1 in a google search. All with the help of so many people. Don't believe me? Go check out THIS POST over at Bou's. She has a picture to prove I was #1!!
Hat Tip to CalTechGirl at Not Exactly Rocket Science.
Hopefully, Bou doesn't take this before I get it posted!!!
You are Psalms.
Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hat Tip to Sticks at From Chaos to Serendipity.
I probably would have ended up someone else, but I couldn't resist saying the beat up kid looked like a tasty morsel. GRIN.
You are HOBBES! My personal favorite. You like to
eat, sleep, and live a good life. Me too.
Which CALVIN & HOBBES character YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla
There is a running joke between Bou and myself about the on-line quizzes. It seems we always end up as the same thing/person. I saw she had taken THIS QUIZ about "What Historical Lunatic are You?" and considered cutting and pasting it here. Wasn't even go to take the quiz. Why put another data point on how we are similar? Ok, I couldn't resist... I took the quiz. I shouldn't have bothered. Go read her post. I was exactly the same thing. Sigh.
I seem to be on a kick for old humor... I still love this one everytime I read it:
It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"
She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."
He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hellfire and brimstone sermon on S.X that just had the congregation in awe.
As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said,"Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given!"
She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"
Thought I forgot huh? Nope, just didn't have time to get it ready earlier in the week... An OLDIE but one of my favorites, also seems to fit into the theme of discussion I'm having this week:
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The a$$hole is usually in charge !!
Today is the big day! It's "Talk Like A Pirate Day"!
Yaa, I know... I don't talk very much like a Pirate, but I love the idea. So how many of you can leave comments that sound like you are talking like a Pirate??? I would love try reading them outloud to my sons.
Pssssssssst - they have a "How To" section... here is a blurb from it:
But if you just want a quick fix, a surface gloss, a "pirate patina," if you will, here are the five basic words that you cannot live without. Master them, and you can face Talk Like a Pirate Day with a smile on your face and a parrot on your shoulder, if that's your thing.Ahoy! - "Hello!"
Avast! - Stop and give attention. It can be used in a sense of surprise, "Whoa! Get a load of that!" which today makes it more of a "Check it out" or "No way!" or "Get off!"
I was not expecting so many hits for fart football. Why in the world would people search on those words??? The lines are by days... so for 3 days I got hit with Fart Football searches. Sigh.
This is funny ~ be sure to read the short story first and then click More Pawprints to see the picture!!!!!
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So, he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs came in laughing, saying he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found.
Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.
AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She Immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man about 20 years old, what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, '"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'
.. I just lost it."
N.O.T. Work Safe for some of this.
Grandpappy Harvey asked for Boo-bees for his Birthday. And I found some BooBees.
But... they didn't look like his examples. Then I found THIS SONG.
Hmmmmm... Just change the singer to Harvey and we almost had something close to what he asked.
And then I found THIS SITE. Pay Dirt!
Happy Birthday GrandPappy Harv... I hope you have many more Blog Boo-bie Birthdays.
Laugh or cry, depending on how you look at it.
And for those with kids... here is a little something NOT to share with your children.
Don't forget Talk Like A Pirate Day is coming up. Ogre has some good ideas.
Eagle and Phoenix is a new blog. Here is some information from it:
E&P is geared towards taking full advantage of our legal freedoms to improve our nation, rather than relying solely upon the paths of law and legislation to solve our problems. Moreover, E&P specifically intends to promote debate and activism on matters that are all too often divisive, through the use of a friendly competition open to American citizens anywhere and everywhere.
And I can't leave out CalTechGirl! She found an awesome picture that is worth checking out.
Oldie but goodie:
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
The following questions and answers were collected from the SAT tests given to 16 year-old students during the 2004-2005 school year! Don't laugh too hard -- one of them could be your kid or better yet -- become President of the US one day!
You have to admit though…some of the answers are very creative and certainly brought a smile to my face.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Click More Pawprints to see the rest
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Or does anyone else get messages like this when they get into gmail?
P.S. Mom leaves Friday morning. I hope to be posting like normal on Saturday or Sunday (if they aren't already bringing people to the house).
They are rerunning old Calvin and Hobbs comics in our newspaper!!!! I'm so psyched! Today Calvin was trying to conceal the water balloon in his shirt. Susie ran as soon as she saw him. ;-) Life is getting better.
What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
It's hard to believe Glenn Reynolds still celebrates birthdays. From all the stories I have read about him (and thoroughly enjoyed) I thought this man would never age. I was wrong. And I'm late. His birthday was yesterday. Sigh. A day late. But not forgotten. Happy Birthday Glenn. Hope you enjoy more Penguins, Hobos and Night time fun.
THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
______________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
Loved this email! Hope you enjoy it as well.
Putting Things in Perspective
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The TEN Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words!
In the rest of the world (in particular for the USA), do you get a hurricane tracking map with your 24 pack of Aquafina? I couldn't believe that the cardboard that the Aquafina was sitting on had a map on it. Really! Here is a picture for proof:
Is this just a Florida thing?
At one point a couple of weeks ago, my FIL (Father-in-law) was helping pack up some of my numerous shelves of books. I had him stop on one set and told him we would get that one later. Why? Because on the top shelf was a book called 'Becoming Orgasmic' and it is one of those books that the binding draws your eyes to it. I bought this about 20 years ago and have never gotten rid of it. I only remember one part out of the whole book and I'm not going to tell you. Read it if you want and come back and see if you know which part I remember. But I had to pack it up today. I didn't want the buyers seeing it either!
Then again, if they actually read all the book titles I had, I think most people would run away. Dungeon and Dragon books, How to Grow Fruit Trees, Visual Basic, C++, Patterns in Programming, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Star Wars, and a plethora of others that would make you wonder. From Finance to Fantasy, Programming to Georgette Heyer, Mormon bible to the new Testament in French, German and English, Calvin and Hobbs to Foxtrot. Things that have caught my interest or I wanted to research. I probably have it. Pack rat should be my name. Add to that, all my husband's books (who is also a pack rat), and we could start our own book store.
Do you have any books normally out that you wouldn't want potential buyers to see? If yes, what????
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
Oldie but goodie. Something about this one just makes me smile every time I read it.
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for mywife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does yourwife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Why Do Men Pee Standing Up?
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left." What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains", said God
Click the More Pawprints to see more humor.
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark! A pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.
The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words....."My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit.... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...
The audience left howling.
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news: :There's
no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt-prepare yourself to be a
widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the women's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle and then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breathes to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune's
tellers gaze, steadied her voice and asked:" Will I be acquitted?"
This is a little twisted, ok, a lot twisted. While reading the Karnival of Kidz over at Susie's Practical Penumbra, I saw a trackback to the Right Hand of God that mentioned the KoK and the Carnival of Comedy. Unable to resist the temptation to see what would be listed on this blog, I had to go over and read some of the posts. And I found one on How to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property
Unfortunately, since many of you find yourselves living in states that could care less about silly notions as "private property" (i.e. Connecticut, California, or Red China), here is a handy-dandy guide:
How-To Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property
(in no particular order)
Here is a sample from the guide:
3. Piranha-Infested Moat - Centuries ago, when people wanted to defend their land, did they look to Brinks Security or ADT? Heck no. They surrounded the castle with a moat, and poured burning oil on anyone foolhardy enough to cross it. As we already noted, however, oil is a bit pricey these days, and spraying your town council with the garden hose is unlikely to have the same effect (unless the Wicked Witch of the West is on your town council, in which case it's at least worth a try). To compensate for these changes, we suggest filling your moat with piranhas.
It kept me laughing. I was wondering if having 2 children, a husband, a dog and a pony would make it worth being considered living in a waste hazard. GRIN.
Go enjoy a fun read.
Bet you thought I was talking about my BlogGrandpappy Harvey. But I wasn't. Did you realize that Tropical Storm Harvey is still hanging around out in the Atlantic? Geeze. I wonder if this is a trait his namesake actually has? Or maybe it's because the TS Harvey is waiting for TS Irene to catch him? Another trait of Grandpappy Harvey maybe? Will we ever know?
Got these via email and thought I would share them. Click to Enlarge.
Oldies but Goodies!
Birds of a feather flock together ... and then crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
Hat tip to Exgaucho.
Be brave, take it and tell me what you got... or if you post it, let me know.
| the Wit |
| CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean you're pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most effort to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. Also, you probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.
|
 |
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid |
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important.
For those of you that spend a lot of time outdoors:
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
Click on More Pawprints to see more humor.
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
This is for all women 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's and beyond!... and for the guys lucky enough to be with one of these ladies.
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask," What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
A friend from the North sent me this and I just had to put it out here!
Florida Blessing
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In FLORIDA, Lord, you've put them all!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
HOLD IT............there's more............
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN FLORIDA IN JULY WHEN. . . .
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home.
God Bless Our State of FLORIDA!
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Hat Tip to Ogre. (Space filler until I get the Carnival of Recipes done).
| You Are A Cypress Tree |
You're good at taking what life has to give - even if you don't like it. A passionate lover who can't be satisfied, you are quick tempered at times. You hate loneliness, want love and affection, and need to be needed. A bit of a live wire, you love to gain knowledge any cost... and you can be careless at times. |
Ok, I'm curious... what are you?
COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
And last but not least . .
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."
Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,
"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend "I went to visit my Nana."
"No," said the teacher, "you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. I took a ride on a choo-choo."
The teacher said "No, Mitchell, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done? I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH.T."
Type in an address and after it comes up, press the satellite button in the upper right. Here is a hospital near me: 901 45TH ST, West palm beach, Florida. Pretty cool and pretty scary.
Where can you do this? RIGHT HERE is the link.
Can you find your house? Is the yard a mess? GRIN!
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he
squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"
he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For crying out loud! how many times do we have to go through this
with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the d.mn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-a$$es downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE D.MN PORRIDGE YET !!
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado,and off they whirled to OZ.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard. "What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.........I.......I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"I've heard - it's true!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"
Bill asks, "Is Dorothy here?"
